Out and Back

My birthday in a parallel universe

I turned 31 earlier this week.  The day itself was pretty low-key, which was fine with me.  Now that I'm in my 30s, my birthdays are cause for introspective contemplation as opposed to partying like there's no tomorrow.  My husband gifted me with a copy of The Crack-Up by you-know-who, along with a DVD of what is arguably VK's sappiest movie (but oh how I love it so.)  My auntie sent me a $20, and my brother gave me a copy of Sherman Alexie's latest book. 

My parents were visiting from Seattle, and they gave me a pair of diamond earrings.  Long story short: I had purchased a pair for myself about two and a half years ago -- my rationale being if I waited around for my husband to buy stuff like that for me I'd be waiting for the rest of my life -- and I wore them constantly because they went with everything.  Then, tragically, this past September as I was preparing to check out of the scummy Quality Inn in Allentown, PA, I left one earring sitting on the counter beside the sink and didn't realize it until I was well on my way down the road.  I was bummed out by the loss, but thoroughly touched that my parents decided to surprise me with a replacement pair for my birthday.  I'm too afraid of losing them again to start wearing them just yet, but I'll get over that soon enough, I suppose.

I baked my own birthday cake (with a little help from Mom) and we went to Sonic for a lunch of chili-cheese Coneys and onion rings.  (I can't quite get over the fact that Sonic calls their hot dogs "Coneys," but I appreciate the reference nonetheless.)  I thought to myself that a better birthday lunch would have been a Nathan's dog, some clam strips, and a beer on the boardwalk at the real Coney Island, but I was happy with my fast food chain facsimile.  We had dinner at a local pizza joint (again, not Totonno's, but still delicious) and then headed back to my apartment for peppermint-fudge birthday cake, which was also quite tasty.

Probing questions

Colleen at Loose Leaf Notes tempted me with this excellent interview meme.  She posted the answers to five questions she was asked on her blog and then asked for anyone who was interested in being interviewed by her to leave a comment.  I've been desperate for some good questions to think/write about, so I bit, and yesterday morning Colleen emailed me five great questions... here goes!

1. If you could change three things about yourself, what would they be and why?  Only three?  (Ha ha!)  First off, I would like to rid myself of the crippling self-doubt that still rears its ugly head inside of me every now and then.  I bought myself a cool sign that says "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" and it hangs by my desk in my office.  I try to remember those words whenever I'm feeling unsure of myself.  A second thing I would change would be my rotten allergies... I am allergic to all kinds of things: multiple tree and grass pollens, my kitties, and dust mites, among others.  I've cycled through almost every major prescription and over-the-counter antihistamine, and most of them either make me drowsy or stop working after a while.  I've had years of allergy shots, too, and while those have helped, I am still allergic to dust mites because my sensitivity to them is so strong that I can't tolerate being injected with them past a certain concentration.  I would love to be able to walk outside in the height of spring and not be irritated by pollens and to dust without feeling like I should be wearing a haz-mat suit.  When I was a kid, my allergies were so bad that I had an almost-constant stuffy nose and as a result I had to breathe through my mouth.  Other kids made fun of me because of it, and to this day I am self-conscious about having to breathe deeply or be winded in front of other people.... having a clear, unobstructed upper respiratory tract would be a wonderful thing.  The third thing I would like to do is break myself of the habit of coloring my hair all the time.  It's a double-edged sword: if I color it myself, it never lasts as long or looks as good as a salon job, so I spend money and time touching it up and buying shampoo designed to help the color stick around longer.  If I have it done in a salon, it costs a small fortune and then I am obligated to return to the salon for root touch ups and such, because I've never been able to reproduce salon-quality color by using a box from CVS Pharmacy.  It's been so long since I had my natural color that I can't even remember precisely what it is.  While I love the novelty of changing my hair color, now that I have to travel a lot for work I want a 'do that is low-maintenance... no more visible roots, no more browns slowly turning brassy orange, no more blondes going from blonde to dingy brown to green, and no more fried, brittle hair.  As Mario Cantone says in those Sunsilk shampoo ads, I guess I need to "get hairapy."

2.  Can you write a short poem or limerick about a girl named Jeanne and her shoes?  Sorry to disappoint, but limericks generally drive me nuts because when I was little my parents used to constantly recite a limerick about a girl named "Jeannie" (my childhood nickname) who wore an "outrageous bikini."  I think I suffer from post-traumatic limerick disorder.  I can write a short poem, though.  When I think of a short poem, I think of a haiku, so that's what I wrote:

shoes wait in darkness
jeanne digs through the closet
found the perfect pair

3. What do you believe in?  How do you explain the nature of reality and your role in it?  I believe in karma and in things happening for a reason (although I don't believe in fate -- I have to believe that I can control my life's direction.)  I believe that spirituality, religion, or whatever you want to call it should be a private thing between ourselves and our higher power... I feel very strongly about that.  For example, when someone I don't know very well invites me to their church or asks me if I've accepted Jesus, to me it's as if they're asking me about my sex life or something like that.  In addition, I believe in love, cheeseburgers, existentialism, old houses, roller coasters, baseball, milkshakes, and the Rolling Stones.  As for the nature of reality, most of the time I completely forget that it's there and that I'm alive, and then I'll be in the middle of something totally mundane, like bathing or driving to the grocery store and all of a sudden the realization will hit me out of nowhere: "Oh crap, I'm alive!  This is all really happening!"  So I suppose you could say I am in an almost-constant state of "shock and awe" about reality and the part I play in it.  Either that or I'm just really good at staying in the moment.

4. You and I are going to spend the day in Seattle.  Where would we go, what would we do, and what would we eat?  I would have to take you to the Seattle Center and show you where I rode my first roller coaster. (The roller coaster itself isn't there anymore, but at least I could show you its replacement.)  We could visit my favorite vintage clothing store - Rudy's - on 1st and Pine, near the Pike Place Market.  We might hang out at the Woodland Park Zoo or the Seattle Aquariaum, two of my favorite elementary school field trip destinations.  I'd probably have to show you around the Fremont neighborhood, too, which is more or less Seattle's answer to Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco (or Seattle's Left Bank, as Fremontians refer to their 'hood.)  It's full of colorful people and interesting shops, and there's even a troll, a rocket, and a statue of Lenin.  I would also have to take you to Archie McPhee, where you will discover all kinds of things you didn't know you needed but suddenly can't live without.  For lunch, we can grab fish and chips at Ivar's seafood bar at Pier 54 and maybe take a ferry ride, and for dinner we'll go to the Italian Spaghetti House in Lake City (since my favorite Seattle restaurant, Labuznik, has been out of business since the late 90s.)  Finally, I have to point out where we would not go: Starbucks.  I'm more of a Tully's fan.

5. Who would play you in a movie?  What would the plot be?  Would it be a comedy or drama or other?  I did a face recognition analysis of myself at MyHeritage, and apparently the actresses I most resemble are Scarlett Johansson and Christina Ricci.  I think they are both stunningly beautiful and phenomenal actresses, but I'm not sure I would choose either one of them to play me in a movie.  I envision someone like Drew Barrymore or Kate Winslet portraying me.  I think either of them could tap into my wackiness and also capture my vulnerabilities better than the other two (and even though Kate is English, she plays American really well - I loved her as Bitsey Bloom in The Life of David Gale: "Mike Wallace with PMS.")  Plus, they're both closer to my age than Scarlett and Christina, which I think lends a little more realism and credibility.  As for the plot, I'm not sure... my real life is kind of boring, so maybe it will be a story about the things that could have happened in my life. (I've often said that given the chance to live my life over again, I would go back and at every point where I made a major decision, I would do the opposite just to see if things turned out any differently.  It sounds like a good movie plot, doesn't it?)  Like my real life, though, the movie would be full of comedy and drama and a healthy dose of romance.... hmmm, who should play my leading man, I wonder?  Finally, many scenes would have to take place in Coney Island because that is the place where I feel most alive and at home.

Thanks for the questions, Colleen!

Want to play?  Here's what to do:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview Me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions.  I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

For your consideration...

My husband and I collaborated on this short film this afternoon.  I shot the footage, and then he edited it and added the music on his Mac.

Somehow, I don't think the Academy will be knocking on our door anytime soon, but it was still pretty fun:

Driving, Philly style

When I moved to Philadelphia in 2002, I discovered that the rules of the road are a little.... different.  After a few months, I discovered this little piece of internet humor about driving in Philadelphia.  Much to my surprise, everything on this list is 100% true.  Don't let the tongue-in-cheek tone fool you.  Without further ado, I give you the 18 Cardinal Rules for Driving in Philadelphia.  Mad props to whoever invented this in the first place!

1.  A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels. Bonus points are awarded for getting out of your car and moving the barrels.

2. Turn signals provide clues as to your next move in the road battle, so never use them.

3.  Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4.  The faster you drive through a red light, the lower your chance of getting hit.

5.  The car with the most extensive body work automatically has the right of way (remember no-fault insurance - he might not have as much to lose as you do).

6.  Braking is to be done as hard and late as your antilock braking system kicks in; this will give you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

7.  Construction signs are carefully positioned to tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the last opportunity to exit, but just before the traffic begins to back up.

8.  The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, but just to tell time and make Philly look progressive.

9.  Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway. Passing on the shoulder is encouraged - that's why they're paved.

Cheney Alert System

Link: Satire: Govt. Plans a ‘Cheney Alert’ System - Newsweek Society - MSNBC.com.

I fell out laughing when I read this.

To quote the immortal Eddie Izzard:

Guns don't kill people... people with guns kill people.

A piece of my childhood

When I was a kid, there was nothing better than a trip to the Fun Forest at Seattle Center.  My parents would take me there during the summer, and those of us on the elementary school safety patrol got to go there for a day every spring as a reward for our service. 

I remember the Fun Forest very fondly.  When I was a child, it seemed like there were hundreds of rides.  There were old-timey cars that you could drive around a track through a pretty little forested area, a "Snoopy and the Red Baron" ride with airplanes that could be raised or lowered with the pull of a lever, a Yo Yo, and a beautiful blue Octopus ride with brightly colored cars that spun wildly.  There was the Rainbow Chaser, which was the first "kiddie coaster" I ever rode, and the Galaxi, which was my first "big" coaster.  I can also remember a Huss Enterprise, a couple of Ferris Wheels (one big and one small), a Zipper, a Matterhorn, and even a skyway.

You might be from Seattle if...

My brother's post today got me thinking about Seattleites and whether or not we are capable of poking fun at ourselves.  I say we are.  Maybe not in the same way that my bro describes "rednecks" making fun of themselves, but I think we can do it.

I have always cherished this little bit of internet humor about life in Seattle... I have no idea who the original author is and I will state at the outset that I had nothing to do with the creation of it.  I just thought it would be fun to share.  I can't imagine anyone other than a Seattle native coming up with it:

You might be from Seattle if....

1. You feel guilty throwing an aluminum can in the trash.

2. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can tell the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

3. You use the phrase "sun breaks" and know what it means.

4. You know more than ten words to describe a cup of coffee.

5. You know at least eight people who work for either Microsoft or Boeing.

6. You invite twice as many people as you actually want to a party, because you know only half of them will show up.

7. You know what lutefisk is.

8. You personally know someone from Alaska.

9. You can't say "Californian" without spitting.

10. You consider floating bridges a pain in the ass, not an engineering marvel.

11. You know how to pronounce "Sequim," "Issaquah," and "Puyallup."

12. You've been snow skiing in the rain more than in the snow.

13. When discussing rainforests and volcanoes, you're NOT talking about Hawaii.

14. You remember the Kingdome.

15. You've tried to forget about WTO.

16. Your mayor is straight, half your friends are gay, your mailman has a bumper sticker that reads, "...when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers," and the guy taking your order at the drive through was a dot com millionaire not too long ago.

17. Your car insurance costs more because your neighbors don't have any.

18. You never go camping without waterproof matches and ponchos.

19. You hear the word "ferry" and think of boats and long waits.

20. You are amazed by an accurate weather forecast.

21. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a steak restaurant.

22. You stand on a deserted street corner in the rain waiting for the light to change.

23. You know the view from Frasier's apartment is fake.

24. You call it a "hill" -- not a mountain -- if it doesn't have snow on it and/or has not recently erupted.

Oh yeah, and bro, remember Almost Live! ?  Thought so.  Who could forget "COPS: In Redmond," "The High-Fivin' White Guys," "The Lame List," and "Ballard Driving School" ?

 

AAAAAAAAAUUGGGHHHH!

After dinner tonight, the hubby and I took ourselves to Dorney Park for an evening of thrills and chills.  (It was especially chilly after I got soaked on the Thunder Creek Mountain flume ride.)  Since my spouse is a bit of a wuss when it comes to the big scary roller coasters, we did the Whip, the Scrambler, the Ferris Wheel, the Zephyr train, and the Wild Mouse together.  I took on Thunderhawk and Steel Force on my own while he waited on nearby benches.

I have figured out the perfect seat in which to sit on Thunderhawk.  Old wooden roller coasters are tricky because if you choose the wrong seat, you either end up bored out of your mind or in desperate need of a chiropractor by the time you pull back into the station.  The back seats are best avoided on the woodies, particularly on the Coney Island Cyclone.   Too much brain-scrambling going on back there.  (Check out Brett Witter's book, Carnival Undercover, for more detailed explanations of the best seats on roller coasters.)  Thunderhawk's prime seat seems to be the third from the front... there is terrific airtime (I popped up out of my seat several times as we zoomed along) and you avoid all of the head-banging and neck-popping that goes on farther back.  Trust me: before I figured out where the "sweet seat" was, I suffered from a multitude of post-Thunderhawk headaches.

I went for my customary ride on Steel Force, and the guy sitting next to me turned to me as we were pulling out of the station and said, "I hope you don't mind if I scream loud."  I replied, "Knock yourself out, I scream like crazy on this one."  He went on to mention that this was his first time riding Steel Force, that he had felt shamed into riding it after his younger cousin went on it and loved it.  I assured him that it would be really fun.   When we reached the top of the hill and started to go over, he started shrieking "Oh SHIT! Oh SHIT!" over and over again and I don't think he stopped hollering until the ride was done.  I laughed the entire time, mostly with glee at the spectacular ride Steel Force gives, but also at the hilariously frightened dude sitting next to me.  It was a riot.

The evening was summed up for me by a Dorney Park T-shirt I saw in one of the gift shops.  It simply read, "BYOG: Bring Your Own Guts."

Confidential to my brother: Your worst nightmare says hello.